One of those days...

So I started with good intentions this morning. Got the kids up for school, enjoyed my morning Marlboro & Mt Dew & made my to do list for the day...take the car to find out how much work it needs before I jump into buying a new one, clean the living room & my bedroom and maybe even a little laundry. Six hours later I am still in my pj's and nothing has even gotten started, let alone finished. I'm not sure what happened, one minute I was fine and the next I was close to tears and curling back up in bed. I'm pissed off ALL the time, at everything and everybody. Even going to work is a struggle these days and I normally enjoy it. I'm completely exhausted but no matter how long I lay in bed I cant rest and when I do manage to fall asleep I wake up crying, sweating, screaming or feeling scared to death. I know I'm having nightmares but luckily I cant remember most of them once I wake up. People keep asking how I'm doing...I have smiling and saying "I'm Fine" down to an art. Fine is SO far from the truth, but something keeps me from saying it out loud. Its like if I say it, it makes it true...which I know is crazy, but I don't claim to be sane these days.

Well, the kids get out of school in an hour so I am going to attempt to at least get dressed and get the dirty clothes out of my bedroom floor so I don't look like a complete hypocrite when I remind them its their day to clean their rooms. Maybe tomorrow will be better.....

Dealing with deployment...

Well, Charlie left on March 4th headed to Camp Shelby then on to Afghanistan. It was hard saying goodbye tonight at the end of our call knowing they will now be few & far in between. I know everyone says "Its going to be fine", and "The time will pass before you know it" but the ones that haven't been through this have no way of knowing what it feels like to say goodbye to your husband, your daughters father and not know if that is going to be the last time you ever see him. I know they mean well, but part of me wants to scream ITS NOT OK! ITS NOT FINE! But, it is what it is and its something we have to deal with, like it or not. So, we will see how it goes, hope for the best and deal the best we can.

"Father, keep our troops’ feet, Humvees and vehicles from being caught in a deadly trap or hidden danger. Send out Your angels to encamp around them, accompany and defend and preserve our soldiers’ lives. We ask You to so protect them that NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST THEMWOULD PROSPER OR HIT ITS MARK. Grant peace and comfort to their families and let Your mercies be NEW every morning for these dedicated men and women in uniform. In Christ’s name, amen."